


This Feels Right (And I'm Letting It)

by PrioritiesSorted



Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: Fluff, Happy Zombie Polyamory, M/M, SO MUCH FLUFF, Tooth Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-12
Updated: 2015-04-12
Packaged: 2018-03-22 13:31:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3730750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrioritiesSorted/pseuds/PrioritiesSorted
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kieren supposes he shouldn’t be surprised when they both try to leave. He’s watching them stand on the single platform of Roarton’s tiny train station, arguing, and Kieren realises he has a type: idiots.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Feels Right (And I'm Letting It)

**Author's Note:**

> I've not written anything this romo in a long time pls be gentle with me. 
> 
> God but I love this ship so much. 
> 
> (Sorry about the generic Keaton Henson Lyric title, but I couldn't think of anything else!)

Kieren supposes he shouldn’t be surprised when they both try to leave. He’s watching them stand on the single platform of Roarton’s tiny train station, arguing, and Kieren realises he has a type: idiots. He’s almost tempted to wait until the train arrives, just to see what they do, but he can’t risk it. He needs them both. He wants to be able to joke about it, to stand on the platform with eyebrows raised and fondly chastise them both for trying to run away from him on the same train.

Instead, all he can do is stand at the entrance to the station, wanting to reach out to them, pleading,

“Please. Please don’t go, either of you. I’m sorry. Please.”

They barely sleep that night, only drifting off when the sun starts to shed a watery light over the valley. They confess and forgive and accept everything they can, and when the dawn does come they feel, for the first time, truly reborn. This fragile newness that seems to hang in the air is balanced so carefully that they are almost afraid to move, lest they break the spell and bring everything crashing down around them, but all is calm. Kieren falls asleep with his head pillowed on Rick’s stomach, his fingers laced with Simon’s, clinging to them both and so afraid that he will wake and find one or either of them gone. But they don’t go, not that day nor the day after, and as the weeks pass Kieren can feel himself relaxing, letting out a slow breath when he wakes each morning to the sound of Rick pottering around the house, or Simon turning the pages of his book as he lies next to Kieren, unwilling to leave the warmth of their bed.

 

* * *

 

“Is this weird? Is it weird for you?”

“Shh, Kieren. Trying to sleep.”

“I’d offer to take the sofa but then I think it would be even weirder so…”

“S’fine, Ren. Stop worrying.”

“Right. Okay. Night.”

“Night Kieren. Night Rick.”

“Night Ren. Night Simon.”

“We sound like the Brady Bunch.”

“Who?”

“Right, I forgot I was bunking down with a pair of teenagers.”

“Because you’re so ancient.”

“Yeah, practically decrepit now, mate.”

“Shove off, both of you.”

“Nah, don’t think we will.”

 

* * *

 

The thing about Kieren and Rick, Simon thinks, is that they’re so in tune with each other it’s almost frightening. Every twitch of an eyebrow or slight inflection means something to them, so completely aware of each other that, despite Rick’s stiff walk, they move like liquid around each other. In the first few weeks, Simon can’t help but feel isolated. It’s as if he is a rock that the current simply flows around, unbreakable and unstoppable and _meant_ somehow. He doesn’t really notice the way Kieren slides his hands gently across his stomach when they pass in the narrow hall, or how Rick will instinctively reach out for Simon when his prosthetic makes him stumble. It’s only when Kieren tosses him the phone absent-mindedly (“It’s Amy”) without even looking, that Simon realises. He’s not an outsider, not anymore: he has dissolved into them, part of the flow.

Rick thinks the opposite. There have been too many years of holding back, of looking over his shoulder, for Rick to being completely comfortable with casual touching. But Simon, Simon seems to never _stop_ touching Kieren. And it isn’t a possessive thing, Rick knows that, and he isn’t jealous. He’s _envious_ though, of the way it seems to be nothing to Simon; Rick would give anything to be able to just stroke the nape of Kieren’s neck or drop kisses onto his shoulder as he passes. He’s trying, he’s really trying, but no matter how much he wants to, he can’t feel quite easy. It’s different when he’s wrapped up in Kieren, lips covering lips and hands roaming over bare skin; then, they are in their own world, cocooned by the bedsheets and safe from outside eyes. (Simon saw them, once, but he is the same as they are, and it sent a thrill down Rick’s spine that he will never admit to). Still, he wishes he could be affectionate in that domestic way that Simon has. Perhaps he will be one day, in time.

 

* * *

 

Someone is talking on the phone when Simon gets in, and he closes the door quietly behind him before peeking into the living room where Rick stands. He can’t keep still when he’s on the phone, Simon’s noticed, so he wanders the house aimlessly while he chats away with Janet or his old army friends.

“Love you too, Mum. See you soon ... Bye.” Rick’s voice shakes a little as he hangs up, and Simon clears his throat quietly.

“You all right?”

“I… yeah, yeah I’m fine.” A hand goes up to wipe away the tear clinging to his eyelashes, and Simon pretends not to notice.

“Nothing up with your Mum? Sorry, I just heard you on the phone.”

“No, no she’s fine. More than fine. She’s happy.”

“Then what’s the problem?” He cringes inwardly at the briskness of his tone. It’s awkward, without Kieren; Kieren would know exactly what to do, what to say to make Rick feel better, but Simon is floundering, out of his depth.

Rick looks torn for a moment, as if he’d like to say something, but is unsure if he can trust Simon. Simon tries not to let himself be hurt by this; he likes to think they’re friends now, and Rick seems comfortable enough with him in most situations. Eventually, Rick speaks,

“I just… don’t tell Ren, all right? He’ll only worry and make himself upset remembering.”

“I won’t say anything if you don’t want me to.” Rick’s gaze searches his face, and he seems satisfied with what he finds, because he sits down on the sofa and begins,

“I just haven’t heard Mum that happy since I were a kid, y’know? She always tried to stick up for me when I’d done wrong and I know it- I know Dad weren’t kind to her for it. She was so unhappy and that was my fault; if I’d only stood up to him sooner, or if I’d been a better son…”

Simon bites back his words, wanting to let Rick finish, but he’s so wrong that Simon can hardly bear it.

“She could have been this happy for _years_ but I couldn’t- I couldn’t make her happy when she deserves it so much. She only ever loved me and I let her down.”

“No. No you didn’t. You can’t protect everyone, Rick. But you were so brave and that’s why we’re all here now; your Mum’s happy, and so is Kieren, and so are you, I hope. That’s what matters.”

“You really think that?” Rick looks so shocked that Simon can't help feeling awkward as he perches next to him on the sofa. 

“Of course," he says, hoping that fewer words will seem more honest. The shock doesn't leave Rick's face, but there's a shyness now too as he mutters, 

“I always sort of thought you- that you thought I was weak, y’know. A coward or something.”

“I never thought that.”

“But you’re so… you don’t care what anyone thinks and you stand up for yourself, for us. I couldn’t even stand up for my own mother.”

He looks so lost and so earnest that, for the first time, Simon wants to tell the truth. He’s surprised to find that he’s shaking a little, more afraid than he ever expected of what Rick will think of him once he knows, but the confession is bubbling under his skin and bursting from his lips,

“I killed my mother. In my- in my untreated state. When I was alive, she was always trying to help me, give me money for food and shelter that I only ever spent on another hit. She begged me so many times to come home, would’ve sat with me through all that withdrawal shite, but I never did. You’d think that once I was dead, I couldn’t hurt her anymore. But I had to come back. What I- what I’m trying to say, Rick, is that I wish I could have been half the son you are.”

“That’s different. When you were… y’know, you couldn’t control it. It weren’t your fault.”

The ease, the certainty with which Rick speaks knocks the breath out of him for a moment. But then irony of it all hits him and he can’t hold back a harsh laugh,

“You trying to tell me that I can’t help what I am, which is why it’s not my fault if it hurts people?”

“Yeah, I suppose.”

“Maybe you should try listening to your own advice, then.”

Rick frowns, and Simon has to repress the urge to smooth out the wrinkles between his eyes.

“I know I wasn’t there, and I don’t know what it was like, but I don’t think anyone who knows you could blame you for just trying to protect yourself and the people you love. That’s not cowardice. It’s amazing, you’re…”

Rick blinks and looks away, and Simon stops himself abruptly. He has the feeling he’s just made a complete fool of himself, but he gathers himself before he continues,

“Don’t ever think you aren’t good enough.”

He gets up before Rick can answer him, steadfastly ignoring the tugging feeling in his chest telling him to turn back.

 

* * *

 

Simon’s avoiding him. Rick can practically feel the hostility radiating from him, and he tries not to be too disappointed. He’d thought perhaps- but Simon was only being a good friend, trying to make him feel better. It clearly hadn’t meant anything. Especially now that Simon was pulling away from him, only nodding curtly in greeting and sitting as far from him as the sofa will allow, in the event that Kieren is not there to act as a buffer.

Rick tells himself that it’s for the best; he knows he was probably being too obvious, and why wouldn’t Simon be disgusted by it? Rick already has Kieren, so why should he want anyone else when he already has far more than he’s ever deserved? Simon is trying to tell him, quietly and without confrontation, that he’s not interested, and Rick is grateful. It’ll pass, he tells himself, it’ll pass, and Kieren never has to know.

 

* * *

 

Kieren isn’t stupid. He noticed before they did.

 

* * *

 

“Would you two please just kiss and get it over with?”

Kieren isn’t sure which of them jumps more violently at the sound of his voice, and Kieren has to hold back a chuckle. Rick and Simon are both looking at him with a mixture of terror and faux innocence, eyes shifting down to where their hands are so close to touching and pulling back the offending limbs as though they’d been burnt. He continues before either of them recover enough to deny it,

“It’s okay, I know you fancy each other. Honestly I think your taste is pretty questionable but…” he smiles, fond, as Rick lets out a huff of breath, and the corner of Simon’s mouth twitches up. They both appear to be attempting to avoid looking at each other and Kieren, so Kieren continues,

“D’you both think this is a one-sided thing? Is that what this is about?”

He takes their continued silence as affirmation, and he tries very hard not to roll his eyes.

“Look, you’re not getting out of this until you at least look at each other.”

Kieren leans back against the doorframe, arms crossed, waiting for one of them to move. For two of the bravest people he knows, they’re pretty gutless when it comes to each other, apparently. Both of them stare resolutely at their shoelaces, and Kieren has to hold back a laugh when they each raises their heads an inch, only to chicken out and go back to their shoelace-staring.

Rick takes a deep breath before he moves, as if he’s about to leap from a building rather than raise his eyes to look at Simon, but when he finally does, Simon is only a second behind him.

“D’you Really?” Rick’s voice is barely audible, and if Kieren hadn’t seen his lips move, he would have doubted Rick had spoken at all.

“Apparently.” Simon shrugs, the corner of his mouth turning up just a little, and Kieren is struck by how different this Simon is to the one he spoke to by the fire, what feels like an age ago. Then, he has been all sure touches and heavy hints, where now he seems to shrink back into himself, afraid of Rick’s reaction. It is a moment before Rick relaxes, but when he does, his smile is blinding. They’re still sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed, though, neither one quite able to cross that final distance.

Simon is the first to move, his thumb gently smoothing the creases between Rick’s eyebrows, and starting to gently trace his slowly healing scars. Rick leans in to the touch and lets Simon pull him into a kiss. It’s tentative at first, like each is afraid the other will flinch away, but then Rick’s hand slides into Simon’s hair, lightly pulling on the dark strands and tipping Simon’s head back to open his mouth.

It’s then that Kieren realises his own mouth is hanging open slightly, and he knows he should probably leave them to it, but he’s transfixed by the movement of Simon’s jaw and the strong line of Rick’s neck. He blinks hard, trying to snap himself out of it, and slips away with a smile on his face.

 

* * *

 

The day is almost over, and Simon watches the sun set over the rolling Lancashire hills with the pleasant weight of Rick’s head on his chest. He wonders whether Kieren will come home tonight, or if he will stay with his parents in an attempt to give Simon and Rick more time together. He thinks he doesn’t really mind either way, though the bed seems oddly large with only two of them in it. It seems an age since he was last so serene, but he is jogged back to reality when Rick starts shaking against him. For a moment Simon thinks he’s crying, but his body is relaxed, and there are no tears falling on Simon’s bare skin.

“What’s funny?” he asks, and Rick looks up, propping his chin on Simon’s shoulder.

“I’m so fucking gay.” The smile is splitting his face, and Simon can’t help but smile back as he teases,

“Really? I hadn’t noticed.” Rick shoves him gently in the side, but Simon only pulls him in closer. Rick settles back down against him and starts tracing patterns with a finger on Simon’s skin.

“No I mean, I never really thought about myself that way before. I mean, I didn’t really look at girls but I didn’t look at blokes either. It were only ever Ren, I never thought I’d love anyone else so I never really…”

Simons raises an eyebrow,

“Are you trying to tell me you love me?”

Rick’s voice is muffled from where he’s hidden it against Simon’s chest, but the words are nonetheless distinct.

“Fuck off.”

Simon laughs, running his fingers over the short hair on the back of Rick’s head.

“Yeah, love you too.”

 

* * *

 

When Kieren returns to the house that evening, he finds them both curled up on the bed, legs tangled together. They look so peaceful that Kieren doesn’t want to disturb them, and he’s backing out of the room when a sleepy voice says,

“Don’t even think about it.”

Rick doesn’t open his eyes, just makes vague grabby hands at Kieren as Simon mutters,

“Get in here.”

There’s a bit of shuffling to rearrange themselves, but it doesn’t take long to get settled, and Kieren falls asleep that night with Rick and Simon’s linked fingers resting on his hip, utterly content.


End file.
